Navigating the Nativity - Tips for separated parents
Christmas can be a difficult time for separated parents emotionally and practically. These tips will help make the process smoother for everyone especially the children.
1. Start planning early – the earlier you start the easier it will be and the more time you will have to agree arrangements. Try to include who has the children on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and any special events for either parent. Work out how you split the time and whether these arrangements should be alternated each year moving forward.
2. Create a fair schedule – this is an important time for children especially when they are small so try to give each parent equal time if possible. You can do this by
a) Alternating holidays including the special days
b) Splitting days for example Christmas Day, Christmas Eve
c) Alternate the traditions such as where the children have Christmas Dinner
3. Focus on the children – make this as easy as possible for them in the following ways
a) Involve them in the decisions if they are old enough
b) Maintain consistency in each household with bedtime routines as an example
c) Stay flexible understanding that sometimes plans may need to change for emotional or practical reasons
4. Have clear communication – be clear and respectful with each other and look at detail such as
a) Travel times
b) Pick up and drop off times
c) Any changes to normal routine
d) Setting boundaries for what will happen
5. Share traditions and presents – traditions may change but there can still be a co-parenting approach such as
a) Buying shared presents to children from both parents
b) Split traditions such as one parent leading Christmas Eve movie night and one leading Christmas morning breakfast
c) Have video calls on the days when the children are with the other parent
6. Consider practicalities – such as travel especially if parents live some distance apart and that may impact the plans. Plan the travel, pick up and drop off times and who will be responsible for the children’s belongings. Think about whether the children will take any newly received presents with them to the other parents home.
7. Be mindful of wider family relationships – it can be difficult if new partners are now involved but always bear the children in mind and keep them from the adult issues. The children need to feel supported by both parents and their wider families such as grandparents, aunties and uncles etc. If everyone stays respectful the children will benefit from that.
8. Be positive with the children – acknowledge that they may be upset about being separated from one parent at any time. Christmas can be tough for children as well as adults especially the first Christmas after separation. Offer plenty of hugs and gentle reminders that both parents love them.
There are plenty of ways to access help in planning for children at this time and for the rest of the year if you can’t agree what the arrangements should be including mediators and by getting legal advice. Any advice should be aimed at keeping you out of the family court if possible and going there only as a last resort but if you can follow these tips you will have a great starting point for the future over Christmas and setting yourself up for success in the New Year.